


Rehabilitation

by LadyFrost (orphan_account)



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Returns, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Minor Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov, Minor Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Rating might go up, They give me so many feels, actually i really think it will go up, all i know i know from the movies!, but later ... much later, i actually can't stop writing about them!, sorry for the lame title!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-19
Updated: 2014-09-28
Packaged: 2018-02-18 00:32:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2328710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/LadyFrost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He looked over when Bucky lifted his head, his arms slung around himself in a protective gesture. They were just looking at each other and Steve had the feeling that Bucky was studying his face, trying to make sense of what he saw. Maybe he was trying to find a name to the face. Something else than 'Mission', 'Captain America' or 'Captain Rogers'. Maybe something made him think of the name 'Stevie' or maybe he was even thinking of the boy he used to call 'punk'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I started another one. Yay. Bucky and Steve just give me too many feels on a daily basis and I somehow have to get them off my chest. What better way is there then to write about them?! I've never in my whole life read a single Captain America comic, but I am obsessed with the movies. Please bear with me if I mess something up and I would be really happy if you told me if you find any. I try to do my best, but there's some stuff I don't know too much about... Okay. Enough talking! Here's the first chapter, hope you like it!

_"Go away!" He crouched over the man on the floor, trying to supress the sobs that were shaking his body._

_"Leave him! You can't do this, you_ can't _!"_

_His voice was echoing off the walls and the man beneath him stirred, trying to push him away, but only half-heartedly._

_"Steven, see reason. This is the only way to be safe."_

_Natasha was approaching now, but he didn't budge, shaking his head from side to side, still trying to shield the other man._

_"Come on. He's gonna be alright, don't worry. It will be better for him too, I promise."_

_"No. You won't do this without his permission and right now he can't give permission."_

_He shifted slightly and wiped his face with the back of his hand, forcing himself to calm down._

_It was his turn now to be strong for both of them. It had always been the othr way around, but this time he would be the one who protects and he would even fight his friends if he had to._

_Natasha's eyes softened and she crouched down._

_"Steve." She reached out in an attempt to touch his cheek, but he shied away and she pulled her hand back._

_He couldn't even imagine what he looked like in that moment. He hadn't slept in days and could feel it by then. It wasn't a problem to go a day or two without sleep, maybe even three, but a whole week was definitely too much even for him._

_Tears had dried on his cheeks and fresh ones were still spilling out of his eyes. There was also blood on his brow from when he had forced his way into the small room in order to protect his friend. Somebody had got an elbow in his face, probably Tony, maybe Bruce – he didn't know._

_"He won't have to stay without it forever. Once we're sure that he's safe we might be able to reattach it. If not, he will get a new prosthesis."_

_He just shook his head, knowing that it wouldn't work out that way._

_A sigh left her lips and she got to her feet again, "Listen now. You have two choices Rogers." The use of his last name made him flinch – she hadn't done that in a long while – but she paid no attention to it._

_"Either you get up and let us be done with it or we'll tell Bruce to knock you out with some damn strong anesthetic. Which way?"_

_His head snapped up and he looked at her, trying to read her face, but it was an unreadable mask bare of any emotion._

_"Neither way. I won't let him be hurt."_

_The door banged against the wall and he looked around. Tony was coming over and grabbed Natasha's arm, pulling her away._

_"Okay Cap. Do what you want, but I swear, if anybody here gets hurt because of him, I will take off that arm of his and strap him to a chair until he's got some sense in his brain again."_

_Steve nodded curtly and watched as Tony dragged Natasha out of the room although she was protesting and trying to free herself of his grip._

_Before the door was closing behind them, Steve could hear the others complain as well, saying that it wasn't safe and that he was being reckless._

_It meant nothing to him, nothing at all._

_He sat back on his heels, slowly letting go of Bucky's arms._

_"I told you they wouldn't hurt you, didn't I? I won't let it happen again."_

_He received no answer, but that was alright. He knew that his friend just needed time. It was too early to expect him to be completely fine so soon. There was still too much of the Winter Soldier left in him._

_Steve knew he was being reckless, but who wouldn't be if they were in his situation? He had thought Bucky dead for such a long time and now that HYDRA was down, he wanted to make it up to his friend. To make up for everything they had done to him, even though none of it was Steve's fault. Not really, at least._

_He would wait and he would take the punches when Bucky had a relapse. It was okay. He was stronger now, he could take it. Besides, if Bucky would've really wanted to kill him, he would've taken his chance and let Steve drown in the Potomac a couple of months ago._

_But he hadn't._

_No. Bucky had pulled him out of the river. He had saved Steve's life. Now it was Steve's turn to safe Bucky. To make sure he regained his memory and learned to deal with what had happened to him while being the puppet of this damned organization._

_He looked over when Bucky lifted his head, his arms slung around himself in a protective gesture. They were just looking at each other and Steve had the feeling that Bucky was studying his face, trying to make sense of what he saw. Maybe he was trying to find a name to the face. Something else than 'Mission', 'Captain America' or 'Captain Rogers'. Maybe something made him think of the name 'Stevie' or maybe he was even thinking of the boy he used to call 'punk'._

_A deep frown settled on Bucky's face and he pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them instead. The frown deepened further the longer he looked at Steve. His lips moving, but Steve couldn't decipher the words. Then Bucky opened his mouth, but closed it a second later again, shaking his head._

_Steve waited. Then -_

_"Why are you doing this?"_

_Bucky's voice sounded scratchy, as if he hadn't used it in a long time and Steve grabbed the water bottle that lay on the floor a few inches away and handed it over. He watched as Bucky eyed the bottle a bit suspicious, but then took some cautious sips._

_"I am doing this because you're my best friend and I want you to be happy."_

_"I don't deserve to be happy." Bucky threw the bottle aside and refused to look at Steve any longer, his eyes fixed on the wall opposite. "Leave."_

_"Bucky-" He was interrupted and taken aback from the sudden force in Bucky's voice. "Leave.Now."_

_-_

Steve sat on the edge of his bed, staring down at his hands.

He might have managed to convince Tony that Bucky had to keep his metal arm, but he still refused to let Bucky out of that tiny cell they kept him locked up in.

Maybe it would have help him to regain his memories. Bits and pieces had already come back to him, but Bucky was still far from being fine and it pained Steve to know that he was locked up behind bulletproof glass and a thick steel door.

It had taken them months to find Bucky and in the end it had been Natasha and Clint who had located him. They had found him in a back alley somewhere in Brooklyn and once they showed Steve – after Bucky had been secured – he realized that it had been one of the alleys he had been beaten up in before he had joined the army.

Actually it had been the one where he had been beaten up for the last time in his life by some bully twice his size.

Only God knew how Bucky had remembered that, but the only thing that mattered to Steve was that he _had_ remembered it.

He sighed and rubbed his face, trying to decide if it was too risky to just let Bucky out of his cell and take him to his rooms. Although... Steve wasn't too sure if Tony had really turned off the cameras on Steve's floor of Stark Tower.

Not that he thought that Bucky was really truly dangerous, but he wanted to avoid another row with the others. Bucky was his first priority, yes, but he still wanted to keep the peace with his friends.

The only other option he had was to keep Bucky company in his cell, but he didn't know if that was what the other man wanted.

However. It was worth a try.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooops. I accidentally wrote the second chapter already ;) Thanks for the Kudos so far! I appreciate it!

Steve knew perfectly well that Bucky couldn't see him, but his friend kept looking over and it felt like he knew exactly that he was being watched. He was pacing back and forth in his cell, like a caged animal, and Steve balled his hands into fists, anger bubbling up inside his guts.

This was just so wrong. So very wrong.

Bucky wasn't a criminal, he shouldn't be locked up like that. No matter how many people he killed as the Winter Soldier ... he hadn't been himself, just a weapon, trained to kill on order without feeling the tiniest bit of remorse.

When Steve pushed the door open, he saw Bucky tense and back against the wall, eyes wide.

"It's just me. I am sorry if I startled you."

Some of the tension left his body and Steve hitched a smile on his face when he strolled inside and sat down at the small table. Once he had placed his sketchbook in front of him, Bucky came a step closer, but never took his eyes off Steve's face.

"What do you want?"

His eyes narrowed when he gestured to the sketchbook, "I won't confess anything, if that's what you brought this for."

Steve shook his head, "I don't need any confessions from you, you're not a prisoner. I just-"

Bucky was in front of him in the blink of an eye, metal fingers wrapped tightly around Steve's throat, who had to fight down the reflex to defend himself.

"I am not a prisoner? Who are you kidding? Look at this cell! Look closely Captain Rogers and then tell me again that I am not a prisoner."

He tried to force enough air into his lungs, but it wasn't enough to talk, so he grabbed his pen instead and flipped the sketchbook open, scribbling one word without looking.

_Sorry._

The cool metal around his throat gripped a bit less tight and then fell away completely. Bucky was staring down at the sketchbook, but not the word had caught his attention.

He was staring at a drawing Steve had made earlier. One of Bucky the way he was back when they lived in Brooklyn.

Emotions flickered over Bucky's face, but Steve couldn't point his finger on what he was really feeling in that moment. It was a constant change between sadness, anger, confusion and some hints of realization or recognition.

Slowly, almost like he was afraid to break it with his touch, Bucky reached out and picked the sketchbook up, flipping through the pages.

Steve wondered what he thought about what he saw. He had been drawing only one thing for days on end. Bucky. Bucky's face, his hands, the metal arm, Bucky how he looked now, the way he looked when they were younger, Bucky during the war, Bucky the way he looked when Steve had first seen him as the Winter Soldier.

"Why?" He now looked at Steve, the drawings still cradled in his hands and his eyes had softened. This time it was really Bucky who was looking at him and Steve felt his throat constrict with raw emotion. Even though he saw Bucky look at him, the _real_ Bucky, he knew that he didn't remember yet.

"Even when I had nothing, I had you."

He didn't know why he said that. It had came to mind all of a sudden. He had said the same thing to Natasha and Sam when they had been captured by the Strike team after they had fought Bucky.

"Who are you?"

The sketchbook slipped from his fingers and he sat down on the chair opposite from Steve, almost falling into it, a troubled expression on his face.

"Your friend. Steve. Steve Rogers."

Bucky waved his hand and made an impatient noise.

"No. Not that. I know your name. _Who_ are you."

He emphasized the 'who', his gaze intense and fixed on Steve, searching his face again. Steve understood and started to talk.

-

_"Oi! Scumbag! Take on someone your own size, will you?!"_

_Steve looked up, not able to see properly through his swollen eyes, but he could see another boy approach them._

_The boy who had just beaten him up spun around and looked at the newcomer, cracking his knuckles menacingly._

_"Who's a scumbag, huh?" he called and took a step towards the dark haired boy._

_"You are. Or do you think I would call myself a scumbag? I am not the one beating others up anyways."_

_His voice was calm and Steve admired him for his courage, but he didn't have much time for admiration when a coughing fit took hold of him and he spat blood._

_"Now piss off and let him be. I don't feel like kicking your ass."_

_The bully growled and flung himself at the other boy, swinging his fists. Steve wanted to call out and tell him to run, that he was doing alright by himself, but he couldn't._

_His inhaler... Where was his damn inhaler._

_His fingers were searching the alley floor, but he couldn't find it. He knew that it had fallen out of his pocket, but where was it now? Dread filled him when he realized that they might have crushed it._

_Meanwhile the other two boys were shouting and howling, punching, kicking and biting each other._

_His vision turned black and then it was silent-_

_"Hey pal, here."_

_His fingers closed around his inhaler and he took two puffs in quick succession, and the tension in his chest left, leaving him able to breath. After his breathing had calmed somewhat, he looked up at his 'savior' wanting to know who had helped him._

_The other boy was crouching next to him, watching Steve in a worried way, his blue-grey eyes looking Steve over._

_"Thank you."_

_The boy smiled and helped Steve sit up._

_"You're welcome... and lucky, I guess."_

_Steve tried not to laugh, but a grin found it's way onto his face._

_"Who are you?"_

_"You can call me Bucky."_

_And just like that they had become friends. More than that, really. From that first day on they had been like brothers, inseperable. People used to say it was surprising that they weren't joined at the hip._

_-_

Bucky looked down at the table, the (now familiar) frown on his face again.

"I think I don't really remember..."

Steve nodded and smiled reassuringly, "That's alright. It was such a long time ago. Is there something that you do remember?"

He had to wait for a couple of minutes until he got an answer, "I remember a girl... Lucy, I think, and you--you punched him... Me."

Steve remembered that too. He nodded.

-

_It was a cold October day and Steve was soaked through to the bones, cursing at the skies for making it rain before he had reached his home._

_He hurried up the front porch and up onto the second floor, dripping all over the shabby carpet in the hallway. Mr.Rodney would cuff him around the ears if he ever found out it had been Steve._

_When he entered their apartment, he stumbled over Bucky's shoes but didn't see the other pair that was standing there too or he would've been prepared for what followed._

_"Hey jerk, I am home!"_

_No answer didn't mean anything and he strolled into the kitchen, hoping that he would find a snack and he did. It was just leftovers from the night before, but better than nothing._

_He then strolled into the living room and then he saw them-_

_Moans were filling the air and they lay on the couch, a tangle of limbs. Steve couldn't even tell where she stopped and Bucky started. He also couldn't tell where that sudden, burning anger was coming from, but the plate he held slipped out of his hand and shattered to pieces on the wooden floor and he gained their attention that way too._

_Bucky looked up from the girl beneath him and his eyes found Steve. His lips were swollen from the kissing he'd been doing and it made Steve even more angry._

_"I--I am sorry Stevie! Didn't know you'd be back so soon or I--We would've stayed somewhere else."_

_Steve didn't say a word but stormed out of the apartment again, banging the door closed behind him._

_He wasn't sure why he was so angry. He knew that Bucky was very popular among the dames and he had also met some of them before, but this-- this wasn't the same._

_It was different because she had been at their home and it felt like she had been intruding. His home with Bucky was Steve's safe haven and he wanted it to stay like that..._

_He didn't make it far, only a couple of blocks later he slipped into a side street and leaned against the brick wall, breathing heavily. The rain was still coming down heavily and he statrted to shiver violently. While he stood there, praying that he wouldn't have an asthma attack, he failed to notice the tears that were trailing down his cheeks, mingling with the rain._

_"Steve! Stevie!"_

_He heard Bucky run down the main road, but didn't call out for him. To his displeasure, Bucky turned around and came down the side street, his chest heaving as he approached Steve._

_"Hey, why did you run away? I am really sorry that you had to walk in on us, but I thought you would be away for a little longer."_

_"Why did you even bring her home in the first place?"_

_He crossed his arms, trying to brace himself against the chill the rain brought with it and looked up at Bucky._

_"Excuse me? I pay rent, I bring home whoever the fuck I want."_

_It happened so fast, Steve didn't even have the chance to think about it before his fist connected with Bucky's jaw and caused his friend to stagger._

_For a split second he thought that Bucky would hit back, but he didn't. He just raised his hand and rubbed his jaw, frowning at Steve._

_"Ow."_

_"I don't care if you pay rent or not! I don't want to have and watch you make out with a dame whenever I come home! You can do whatever you want wherever you want, but that apartment is my home too and I think I have a right to decide what's happening there as well."_

_Bucky didn't say a word and Steve coughed, his chest tight._

_This seemed to bring Bucky out of his stupor and he fished something out of the pocket of the jacket._

_"You call me a jerk and stupid, but I never forget to take your inhaler along, punk."_

_-_

Steve found himself smiling. "After that you never brought a girl back home ever again. I was still terribly angry at you, but also glad that you brought that damned inhaler with you. "

The shadow of a smile was playing about Bucky's lips and he nodded, his eyes looking off into space.

"That's something I remember too... That I'd been constantly worried about your health."

It wasn't much, but every single thing he remembered from their past meant that Bucky was finally coming back to him and that's all Steve was asking for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ps: I hope the memories weren't too lame? :/


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the Kudos so far! Hope you like this one too! It's also the longest chapter I've ever written.

Steve was taken aback when he opened the door to Bucky's cell. He stood at the opposite wall, stoically staring down at his feet, a constant stream of words leaving his mouth – in what Steve supposed must have been Russian.

For a moment he just watched, contemplating to come back later, but then decided to check if Bucky would react to his presence at all.

"Bucky, are you alright?"

He spoke in a low, calm tone so as not to startle the other man.

Speaking had been a mistake, though.

Bucky was at him in the next moment, but this time Steve knew what was coming and caught his wrist. He only applied as much pressure as necessary, trying to avoid to make Bucky – or the Soldier – think that he had to defend himself even more.

Bucky growled rather menacingly and spat a couple more words at Steve, still in Russian.

"I don't understand you Bucky and I really didn't mean to startle you. I am sorry."

He narrowed his eyes at Steve's words, but slowly lowered his arm a bit and Steve let go of his wrist.

"Why are you here again?"

As soon as the words left Bucky's mouth, Steve knew that he was having a relapse. That the Winter Soldier was standing in front of him, not his friend.

Steve didn't move, but took a calm, steadying breath and tried to fight his disappointment down.

"I thought you might enjoy some company, but if you want me to go you just have to say it."

He was still being watched through narrowed eyes and shifted from one foot to the other, wondering if he could be at the door quickly enough.

"You are the only one."

He looked up at the Soldier and thought that he could see the ghost of a smile playing about his lips.

"I beg your pardon?"

The Soldier shrugged and he _was_ smiling, but it didn't reach his eyes the way Bucky's true smile would have done.

His voice was rough when he spoke and there was an unfamiliar edge to it.

"You are the only one who thinks that I need company."

Steve frowned, Do you want me to go?"

The Soldier shook his head, then-

"I want to ask something. Come over here."

He pointed to his cot and Steve walked over to it.

"Sit down."

Steve sat and the Soldier sat next to him with his legs crossed on the mattress and he gestured to Steve to do the same. Then he lifted the blanket and threw it over them both.

"We used to do this, right? You and him, I mean."

Steve just nodded. I twas still weird for him that the Soldier referred to Bucky like he was another person, and vice versa.

"Tell me." He looked at Steve, his eyes intense. "Please."

_A thunderstorm was raging outside and they sat huddled together on Steve's bed, trying to fend off the cold._

_Ever since Steve had gotten his own apartment – if you could call it that – Bucky was at his side almost day and night._

_"Fucking weather."_

_The expression on Bucky's face was as dark as the sky outside and it made Steve laugh, but his laughter was interrupted by a violent coughing fit._

_Bucky rubbed his back and watched him worried, "You need to see a Doc, Stevie. I can hear your lungs rattle over here."_

_Steve shook his head and leaned into Bucky's side, looking for warmth._

_"You know that I don't have the money for medicine so why should I bother and go to the doctor?"_

_Bucky sighed and put his arm around him to pull him closer before he pulled the blanket over their heads._

_"I could ask my parents, y'know?"_

_The look in his eyes made Steve's heart ache and he hated his body for being so weak._

_Bucky was his world. Everything he had left in his life and he had to cause him pain._

_"No. I am gonna be alright. It's already helping that you're keeping me warm."_

Steve looked at the Soldier, waiting to see his reaction, but when he looked up and their eyes met, it was Bucky who looked at Steve, smiling.

"I remember that, yeah. I also remember that I told my Ma and she came over and dragged you to the doctor."

-

"Tony, I am begging you. Let him out of this room. He's doing just fine, really and he needs to get out and get some fresh air.

Tony was ignoring Steve's pleading and looked at Bruce instead who had just walked out of Bucky's room – cell, really.

"What do you say to that, Bruce? Is it alright to let him out or is he going to stab us all right away?"

Bruce looked at Steve and took his sweet time answering.

"The Soldier will always be a part of him and it can always happen that he's going to have a relapse. We will never be able to tell how it is really going to affect him. Although I dare to hope that it's a good thing that Steve spends so much time with him. It seems to bring back memories."

Tony muttered under his breath and then shrugged.

"Well. Fine. Let him out. But Rogers!"

Steve looked at him, hardly able to keep a goofy grin off his face, "Yeah?"

"He has to stay on your floor of the Tower. Take him up on the roof for fresh air, but don't leave the building."

Steve nodded and Bruce agreed that it would be better not to go out onto the streets with Bucky yet.

He just wanted to go and get Bucky, but Bruce called him back.

"I was wondering... Do you happen to know if he's having nightmares?"

Steve shook his head. "I don't think so. I've stayed with him over night too, but he hardly sleeps at all."

"That's not good. He never told me that."

Steve tried to remember what Bucky had told him a couple of nights ago.

"He says that he never slept during missions and once he was done with one, they put him back on ice... I also think he's afraid of falling asleep."

Bruce nodded, absently tapping a finger against his chin.

"You have to make sure that he sleeps, but I am sure with sleep, the nightmares will come too. Be ready for that. It's not gonna be nice and he will need you to help him cope with them."

-

Bucky was all over the place when Steve brought him to his floor of Stark Tower. It was a joy to watch him dart from room to room, marvelling at the sheer size of the place. He also inspected the huge TV, the Blu-ray player and Steve's laptop and tablet. Then he was more than thrilled when Steve introduced him to JARVIS.

"A bodiless voice! Fantastic! Tell me, Jarvis, where are you hiding?"

"Nowhere sir. I am indeed bodiless."

"Wow."

He turned towards Steve, grinning like a little boy and whispered, "I don't believe a word of what he says."

JARVIS' voice sounded through the room again, "I heard that, sir. Now please excuse me. Let me know if you need something."

While Bucky laughed, Steve wondered if it was possible to offend JARVIS.

A while later they sat on the couch in Steve's living room and talked about how much had changed since 'back then'.

Bucky also told Steve that the Soldier knew how most of the new electronic stuff worked, but he himself hadn't quite figured it out yet.

"I guess I have to blame myself that I don't know how this things work."

Steve raised an eyebrow at him, questioning and a bitter laugh spilled out of Bucky's mouth.

"Yeah, well... When he killed, I had to watch. I was being trapped in my own body, unable to do anything but watch and -- quite honestly, it broke me. So I started to look away... I think that's what it is like when you go mad. I hid inside my own mind and _he_ eventually took over."

He had said all that in a rather non-chalant voice, but Steve knew him too well to believe that it wasn't affecting Bucky. The pain was only too visible on his face and Steve reached out, gathering him into a tight embrace.

"It's not your fault Bucky. He killed those people, not you."

Bucky hid his face at Steve's shoulder and shook his head. When he spoke it was almost too softly for Steve to hear.

"You're wrong. It was me, because the Soldier and I – we're one and the same. During the first two or three missions I menaged to keep him from succeeding, but the pain-" his voice faltered. He balled his hands into fists at Steve's back and started to shake violently.

"Oh Steve –- you can't imagine the pain they caused us once they heard that we had failed. I tried it –- I really tried to cling to all those memories I had of you, but they took them all away... stripped me to the core and only left what was of use to them before they put him into my head. No -"

He shook his head again and pulled away from Steve to look at him.

"They didn't put him in there. They turned and twisted me around until I became him, but somehow I still managed to keep a part of my true self hidden away somewhere."

Steve had no words for the way he felt in that moment. All the emotions it caused him to see Bucky like that. So broken.

And yet there was till a glimmer of hope in Bucky's eyes and he smiled.

"And that little part of me always remembered you."

Bucky reached up with his left hand and tenderly cupped Steve's cheek with it. The metal cool against his skin, but it made his cheeks burn with something he had thought long lost.

"The first time I saw you again on that bridge, I remembered you and I told them that I knew you... Your face was all I could think of and I ignored their orders so they wiped me over and over again. It didn't change anything, just made me realize that I should keep it to myself. Then, on that Hellicarrier something clicked into place and mine and the Soldier's personality were meshed together... I couldn't let you drown in that river and neither could he so he pulled you out."

It was quite surreal to hear him talk like that and Steve needed a moment to let it all sink in before he spoke.

"It hink I understand waht you're trying to tell me, but I still don't believe it was _you_ who killed those people. I know you better than myself, you wouldn't do such things."

Bucky let his hand fall away from Steve's cheek and he instantly missed his touch.

"Steve... I killed before. During the war. You know it, you were there."

"That's not the same."

"It is Steve. It really is. Like I said, the first couple of times I managed to keep him from doing it. That were only test missions, though, but once I knew what the punishment was, I was afraid of ignoring their orders. I could have stopped it, bit I were too selfish."

Steve tilted his head and frowned. What was Bucky doing? He had never been selfish.

"What do you mean?"

Bucky sighed deeply and ran a hand through his hair, looking away as if he was ashamed of his next words.

"When I failed a mission, they wiped me in order to turn me into a mindless puppet. A weapon. I didn't want that, but only because I couldn't bear the thought of having you removed from my mind. It was always only about you. Not for a single moment did I think about the people I would save with resisting. No, all I wanted was to keep my memories of you."

Something inside of Steve stirred, slowly coming to life, but he couldn't point a finger at what it was, so he ignored it for the time being.

Bucky might feel bad about how he had handled his situation, but Steve found no reason to blame him for it. Sure that he would've done the same. Bucky had been everything that had mattered for a long time in Steve's life.

"Don't beat yourself up about it. You did what was neccessary to stay sane and alive."

Bucky snorted, "I might have stayed alive, but surely not sane. Steve, the Winter Soldier will always be a part of me. Do you realize that?"

Their eyes met and Steve nodded once.

"Yeah, and guess what? It doesn't change the way I think of you in the slightest, jerk."

It might have seemed inappropriate to call him that in such a situation, but Steve wanted him to feel a bit less bad about himself and it worked. Bucky grinned and playfully shoved his arm.

"I see that you're still a punk. Some things never change, huh?"

"Nothing could ever change the fact that you mean a whole damn much to me, Bucky."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully it's not weird that I referred to Bucky as 'the Soldier' for a while in this chapter... I just wanted it to be clear when he was actually himself and when not.


	4. Chapter 4

The mattress dipped to one side and Steve blinked, not able to see anything at first in the dark room. But once his eyes got used to the darkness he saw the silhouette sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Bucky?"

The other man turned around and Steve could make out his eyes by the moonlight filtering through the huge windows.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep Steve."

But he shook his head and sat up. It had been the same every night since they had allowed Bucky to stay with Steve. They would go to bed, Steve would fall asleep and then eventually wake up to find Bucky wide awake. He never slept, at least Steve thought he didn't.

"You need to sleep too."

Bucky sighed, "I sleep."

"What? For an hour? That's not sleep, Bucky. I might not need as much sleep as _normal_ people, but I still need a good four to five hours each night."

"You are not me. I sleep. It's enough for me, what's the problem?"

Steve wanted to say something else, but Bucky got to his feet and left the room. He stayed on Steve's floor. As always. He just never stayed in the bedroom, but went to the living room to watch TV. It had happened a few times that Steve followed him, but he quickly learned that it did no good. He couldn't force Bucky to sleep after all, could he?

At first he had thought that it had something to do with the fact that they had to share a bed and he had asked Tony if they could have a seperate one, but Bucky had said that wasn't necessary. They had shared a bed before and he said it wasn't a problem, that he was used to it anyways, that it was something familiar. Familiar things were good. And yet he never really slept.

Steve listened to the TV for a while, but then felt himself dozing off again, but before he really drifted off to sleep, he noticed how Bucky slipped back into bed next to him.

-

He woke early in the morning, but wasn't really suprised that Bucky wasn't next to him anymore. For a couple of minutes he just lay there, staring at the ceiling and was lost in thought. When he finally got out of bed, he was suprised to hear voices in the kitchen and went to find out who was talking.

Natasha and Bucky were leaning against the kitchen counter, animatedly chattering away in Russian.

"Morning."

They looked around at Steve and Natasha cracked a grin.

"Morning Cap. Coffee?"

He took the cup she offered him and then continued to eye them both. Bucky looked at ease, but why wouldn't they just talk in English?

"Don't look like we're up to something."

Natasha rolled her eyes and made a disapproving noise that made Steve narrow his eyes.

"I don't think you're up to something... I guess. It just surprises me that Bucky is speaking Russian."

He really didn't mind that he was talking to Natasha, on the contrary, Steve was glad that other people were talking to Bucky too. The foreign language just always made him think of the Winter Soldier first thing, because the Bucky he knew always only spoke English.

Bucky now walked over to him and nudged his arm, smiling reassuringly.

"I just thought she would like it, 's all."

Steve returned the smile and nodded solemnly.

"I understand."

Natasha tapped his shoulder and Steve looked down at her.

"We were actually talking about a mission Clint and I had been assigned too and we thought we could take Bucky along. So he can prove himself to the others and become a part of the group. What do you think?"

Steve's heart sank. How could they expect Bucky to go on missions so soon after regaining his memory? Did they even think for a second about what it could mean to him if he had to shoot somebody?

"I think it's shit. This is destined to go wrong and mess everything up again."

She rolled her eyes.

"C'mon Cap. It's not like we're going to assassinate someone or anything. It's just a small trip, because we have reason to believe that there are still people from HYDRA around."

Oh, it got better by the second.

"Yeah, that sounds just great. Exactly what Bucky needs."

His voice was tripping with sarcasmn and even though he didn't want to talk to Natasha like that, this was just hitting a nerve.

"Steve, I think I should be the one to decide if I'm up for this or not. Think about what those people did to me. Shouldn't I be the one who takes them out?"

"I understand that you might have a reason to do this, but not now. It's too early. Do you really want to risk the progress you've made so far just to get your revenge. We've dealt with HYDRA so far perfectly fine, even without you getting involved."

Bucky shook his head and muttered something under his breath before he turned towards Natasha again.

"Tell Clint I'll come along."

-

"Damn it Rogers! Why did you let him go!?"

Tony was slapping his hand on top of the table, furiously glaring at Steve.

"I didn't! I wanted him to stay! I told him to stay but he's stubborn and Natasha even more so! She egged him on to go along and everything! I don't know what's gotten into her! She should know better!"

Pepper walked up behind Tony and placed her hands on his shoulders to keep him calm, but he kept glaring at Steve like he was the one to blame for the whole disaster.

"When did they leave?"

She was adressing Steve and he took a deep breath, trying to calm down at least a bit and to stop his hands from shaking _so much_.

"I am not sure. Shouldn't Phil know? I guess he assigned Natasha and Clint to that mission... I mean, I remember waking up and Bucky was watching TV, as always, then I fell asleep again and he was gone."

Tony rubbed his face with both his hands and reached out for his phone.

"Rogers, I am telling you...-"

"It's not my damn fault he left! I kept him inside, but hell, I can't lock the doors and hide the keys! He isn't some animal we can keep locked up 24/7!"

"Give me the phone, I'll call Phil." Pepper pried the phone out of Tony's hand and left the room. Leaving them to stare daggers at each other.

"Listen Tony, I am sorry. I wanted him to stay here more than anyone, now that he has his memories back, do you think this is a piece of cake for me?"

Tony shook his head.

"No. You're right. I am sorry. It's just--nobody is supposed to know that Bucky is with us. Yet."

"Maybe they were clever enough to disguise him."

Pepper came back into the room and they both looked at her expectantly.

She gently brushed her hand against Steve's arm when she walked past him and handed Tony his phone back.

"It's all good. They must have been gone for a while and already told Phil that the mission was completed. No interruptions or anything. Must have gone real smooth."

Steve's knees almost gave way for a moment and he grabbed the desk in front of him to remain on his feet.

"Thanks God."

The air rushed out of his lungs in a relieved sigh and he couldn't help the small laugh tumbling out of his mouth.

Tony grinned too, "I swear to God, if Natasha dares to do this ever again I am going to lock _her_ up."

-

Natasha and Clint returned to Stark Tower soon afterwards with Bucky on their heels, but as soon as Steve laid his eyes on him, he knew that something was wrong. Bruce was there too and quickly ushered Steve over to his friend, a worried expression on his face.

"Get him upstairs. Quick."

Steve reached out towards him and was suprised when Bucky grabbed his hand with a firm grip, his eyes darting about wildly.

"C'mon Bucky." Steve gently steered him towards the elevator and once the doors closed behind them, Bucky started to shake violently, the grip around Steve's hand growing tighter still, now almost painful.

"Hey, it's alright. I am here. I got you."

His words got no reactions from Bucky. He just kept staring ahead, his mouth silently working. The way to their floor seemed so much longer this time and Steve cursed under his breath, just wanting to get Bucky somewhere he would feel save.

As soon as they reached the living room, Bucky let go of his hand and seized a vase from a shelf next to him, flinging it against the opposite wall before he went to wreck the coffee table and and two of the chairs from the dining table.

Steve just stood there, completely taken aback before he rushed over and grabbed Bucky's wrists.

"Bucky. What's going on?"

Bucky's eyes found his and all Steve could see in them was a deep confusion.

"I am disgusted with myself Steve. So very disgusted with myself..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhanger. Sorry!

**Author's Note:**

> Any kind of feedback would be highly appreciated and, like I said before, if you spotted any mistakes, please let me know!  
> And you can also find me on tumblr :) Url is: captain-wants-starbucks


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